You can see the performance here: http://www.timminchin.com/
Not sure how well he actually knows the Bible, but any way:
As to Jesus being a Zombie
- Zombies usually scare people off, but the people mentioned in Luke 24 don't seem to notice, they don't even realise its Jesus in some cases until he gives the game away.
- Zombies don't eat normal food. Jesus eats some fish (Luke 24:41-43) and gets breakfast ready (John 21:12) - I didn't think zombies were that friendly.
- Well, actually there was a guard of Romans Soldiers at the tomb to watch out for any stunts. But even they were out of their league.
"there was a great earthquake, for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothing white as snow. And for fear of him the guards trembled and became like dead men. " Matthew 28:2-
- They even had troubles trying to arrest Jesus:
"So Judas, having procured a band of soldiers and some officers from the chief priests and the Pharisees, went there with lanterns and torches and weapons. ... "Whom do you seek?" They answered him, "Jesus of Nazareth." When Jesus said to them, "I am he," they drew back and fell to the ground. " Literally he said "I am" which is similar to Gods name in Hebrew (See Exodus 3:14) - you would be scared if you met God.
Jesus being a "telepathic vampire".
- Well on the vampire "blood drinking" account - its a bit closer to the truth. He does take about drinking blood in a way - but it was actually wine when he said "This is my blood of the covenant" (Mark 14:24).
- But its actually worse: he wants us to be vampires and cannibals as well. John 6:53-54 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."
And the disciples were even taken back "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?"
It's all taking about Jesus death on the cross for us - it's by this and our paticipation in it by accepting his sacrifice for us that we have eternal life.
- As to the telepathy, I think I would be much more scared of Jesus than any other apparently "telepathic" person. He knows what people are think, and runs rings around them. Even more he knows people's hearts. The Jewish leaders were seriously worried about him, "Look, the world has gone after him." John 12:19. That's why they wanted to get rid of him, as the High Priest said, "it is better for you that one man should die for the people, not that the whole nation should perish" John 11:50
- Really, I think the best way to take it is as advanced technology: a "gestational surrogacy" 2000 years early. God implanted the embryo in Mary, as Luke 1:35 suggests. This fits with the concept of Jesus as the second Adam, who is perfect, unlike the rest of mankind who have inherited Adam's sinfulness (Romans 5:12-19, 1 Cor 15)
So why this special arrangement of "gestational surrogacy". Well, it seems that God wanted to have a son, a human son. Maybe he thought people could get to know him better, maybe even see him as a family guy, a "daddy". He didn't have a wife in the normal sense, so he went to find a surrogate. Mary agreed saying “I am the Lord’s servant.” Now, he didn't need an egg donor, being a genetic engineer himself.
Now it seems God didn't want everyone to know that Mary's child was in fact his. He let some shepherds in on the secret, some old people in a temple (Luke 2), and some astrologers from a far country (Matthew 2). It was only when Jesus was an adult, that God thought he should out himself as the true father publicly (Matt 4 "This is my son"). Some of his neighbors weren't very comfortable with this new idea, "Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, 'I have come down from heaven'?".
He then got them in a spin about who his daddy really was:
What do you think about the Messiah? Whose son is he?”Some of the Jews were seriously not happy about this, this God's son business.
“The son of David,” they replied.
He said to them, “How is it then that David, speaking by the Spirit, calls him ‘Lord’? For he says,
“‘The Lord said to my Lord:If then David calls him ‘Lord,’ how can he be his son?” No one could say a word in reply, and from that day on no one dared to ask him any more questions.
“Sit at my right hand
until I put your enemies
under your feet.”’
I'll not go into the details of his alleged zombieness again. But Tim mentions Jesus Superman ability: how he left the world "Neo" style. Again angels were there to inform them: Just in case you missed it he is going to do it once more when he returns (Acts 1:11), and every one will get to see (Luke 17:24) - it will be a spectacular show - then there will be no doubters. If you are one of the chosen, you get to do it too (1 Thessalonians 4:17)
Jesus answered them, “... Why then do you accuse me of blasphemy because I said, ‘I am God’s Son’? Do not believe me unless I do the works of my Father. But if I do them, even though you do not believe me, believe the works, that you may know and understand that the Father is in me, and I in the Father.” Again they tried to seize him, but he escaped their grasp. (John 10:33-39)